Hello My Fellow Blog Lovers & Followers!
We are less than 2 weeks away from Christmas and just under 3 weeks away from starting a brand new year called 2017.
I don’t know about you, but this year has definitely been a testament to resilience and fortitude for me, boy it has been a bumpy ride – both good and bad don’t get me wrong but a roller coaster non the less. Transitioning from one year into the next, I always tend to get a bit self reflexive and it occurred to me that this past year through my blogs you all got an opportunity to get to know me a bit better, and I all of you through your kind words and support in reading and following along on this blog journey with me. So to be completely transparent, I thought that it was only fair to let you onto the whole story of how I have been able to get to and become the woman, daughter, sister and friend you see before you today.
You see, I LOVE being a woman and for the first time I can say with a level of confidence that I AM comfortable in my own skin. Both statements are profound and bold for me to say at the same time. I have not always felt this way about myself. I mean that is not profound on its own, so many women have these very same sentiments, albeit they never have the courage or conviction to admit it aloud or even to themselves.
Nine years ago I had a life changing experience, I ended a seven and a half year romantic relationship. You ask, “well people break up all the time how is this life altering?” That is true, but for me, it was and still is. For the first time, I was truly on my own. I went from living at home with my mother (I see a bit of a deja vu here) to moving in with him. I had never had to be completely self sufficient, and then I had no choice. I had always lived under the guise of never being good enough. Although, I was able to put on a brave front and convince everyone, including myself that I was just fine, happy even.
Truthfully, I was panged with feelings of inadequacies, self loathing and unhappiness. I lived my life for others and in the process lost who I was, or maybe I never truly knew who I was in the first place. These feelings lead into the arms of a man who on the surface was kind and loving but underneath was bitter, angry and self loathing as well. This is where my true downward spiral went into full force. We verbally assaulted each other and my pit of self loathing became almost common place. But we said that we loved each other, that should have been enough, right?
I chose to build walls and live in this aura of denial that everything was fine, but truthfully I had become almost numb to all feelings, it was safer that way. I turned to food to comfort myself, a practice I witnessed my mother do from the time I was little, to comfort her pain of feeling trapped taking care of a terminally ill controlling man; my father. In the process, I gained a considerable amount of weight and now a new level of self loathing could be piled on top of the already existing pile.
Then one day, while out for lunch with a friend, she was able to break down a few bricks of my cocoon of emotional numbness. Once a few bricks came down the whole wall crumbled. Pain, fear, grief, all kinds of emotions came flooding back to me. I felt so raw so exposed, but I WAS feeling. That was my turning point. I no longer wanted to live with no feeling. In fact I just wanted to LIVE again.
In that very moment I made the decision to get my life back on my terms. This is where the real work began. I made a conscious decision to no longer skate by in life but to really look deep within myself and do the work. It hasn’t been easy. Each day got a little easier, I became more confident in my abilities and my worth. I did come to terms and confront traumas, obstacles and occurrences that happened to me in childhood. This is where the real work came into play. I discovered that I had a lot of pain pushed down deep and covered with denial and food so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Once I looked at it dead on, felt the pain and let it go, it was like I was free and almost lighter. A miraculous thing happened along the way, I found the real me. She has always been there, waiting, coming out every once in a while to remind me she still exists but would quickly retreat back into the recesses. I’ve missed her, the fun, joyous, silly, loving and self confident woman. She now has the staring role, no longer the background player.
Now that I look back, I was only able to move on and heal by allowing for forgiveness for not only mine, but my ex’s actions as well. After a lot of soul searching I realized and took ownership of my part in the relationship and realized that he was facing his own demons himself and he just wasn’t ready or had the necessary tools to deal with them in a healthy way. I can say this with extreme confidence that he and our relationship has been my greatest life lesson and for that I am truly grateful. I needed to hit my bottom so that I could break out of my safe cocoon of numbness and denial and really look within and get to the meat of what was holding me back from my greatest potential. And as it turned out it was me all along.
Do I still have days of feeling not so confident?
Absolutely, we all do, but now I don’t let it take over, I know that it will pass and life, my life will go on. I am not perfect by any means, I make mistakes, wrong choices and bad judgments like everyone else. But now I can honestly say I am OK with it, it does not define me. I chose to live in the moment and really be present in this crazy thing called our lives. My journey is far from over, only now I know how to stop and really take in and appreciate the view.
2017, I have big plans for you and I know that I am well equipped to take on any and all experiences, events, obstacles and successes. Hell I am not gonna just take you on, I’m going to bask in and drink in every last drop of what you have in store for me!
So who is with me, who is ready to make 2017 their most kick ass year yet?
Thank you all once again for coming along on this blog journey with me, your support never goes unnoticed or unappreciated!
Until we meet again,
Love & Light I send to you all,